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Ask Irma Irma is here to help. If you have questions or problems, send them to Irma. If you haven't bought the Flying For Peanuts book, don't bother, you cheapskate! Irma doesn't run a nonprofit outfit! 
Send Yer Questions To Irma Here is what I have to say to those nutty enough to send me their junk... Irma
******************************************************************** Q: I don't fly that much anymore. I live near Miami and Fort Lauderdale. Do your strategies work on taxi drivers and bus drivers as well as airline employees and do you have a Spanish edition? Jose Florida Dear Jose, No habla Espanol editions, señor! The author's English was bad enough. Jose, send me a twenty and I'll git to ya my book, "Irma's English/Spanish Guide For Dummies." Yup, the techniques are good fer drivers too. If ya been readin all my stuff, I already gave ya some tips, ya oughter be able to figure out the rest yerself. The key here is ta bark out yer orders and tip 'em fer doin what ya tell 'em. If they don't, ya got some extra beer money. If ya tip 'em fer bad service, that's all they'll ever give. Think of it as a "tough love" trainin program. Irma -------------------- Q: Irma what kind of nutty outfit would even publish a book like Flying For Peanuts? Mary Cleveland, OH Irma. Mary, Five Star Publications was a top notch, first-class outfit. Took darn near six months of fightin' and fussin' to convince 'em that Americans like a straight shootin', in yer face book—not that fancy, shmancy "Soup& Soul" stuff. -------------------- Q: Southwest has named planes for Arizona, New Mexico, Shamu and others. Why haven't they honored you with an IRMA plane? Ernie Boise, ID Irma: Good point, Ernie. I had Herb talked into it one night after a few bottles of Wild Turkey, but for some reason he backed out and instead named one of his planes after Shamu. That's okay; I like whales. But, if Herb doesn't put my name on the next plane, he may be swimming with the sharks! I think sometime next year we will be christening "The Irma Express" with a bottle of Wild Turkey. Thanks fer yer support. ----------------------- Q: The shuttle drivers that take me to the airport are always so discourteous and very abusive to my luggage. What does it take to get some respect? Bill Chicago, IL Irma: Ya don't get respect, ya don't earn it-ya darn well take it, sonny! First, give 'em a tip when ya git on, and don't be cheap. Then bark out yer orders loud and clear, pointing yer finger at 'em. What I like to do, if I don't get good service, is: when they take the bags to the curb, I kick a few dents in the side of the bus. Service is usually better the next time. --------------------- Q: Irma, why am I having so little success with the techniques I read about in Flying For Peanuts? People just laugh at me. Can you help? Joan Little Rock, AR Irma: Joan, people laugh at jokes, not my techniques. Sounds to me like yer confused. First of all, when people are laughing and in their happy little world, they're suckers. This is when they are most vulnerable. That's when ya stick 'em with another technique or, if yer really mad, a combination of techniques. Stay with the techniques and they will soon stop laughing when they're sittin' in a middle seat-yer not. -------------------------- Q: Irma, Southwest has the cutest girls. What technique can I use to ask one of them out? Billy Bob Lubbock, TX Irma: Billy Bob, yer question lacks aptitude. You just need to be a gentleman, bring flowers, and buy the lady a drink. Try brushin' yer teeth and smiling at her. Tell her you are sensitive and kind, love sharing feelings, and are rich. If yer not rich, I don't want you talking to any of my girls. ------------------------------ Q: Irma, why are the cocktails so expensive at the airport bars? I drop a twenty for only two drinks. What can I do? Mable Seattle, WA Irma: Girlie, I'm here ta tell ya, it ain't right, but that's the system. The reason they charge so much is because they don't have enough stools at the bar. Darn poor plannin', as far as I can tell. The key, dearie, is to get a man to buy fer ya. Look helpless, run out of money, flirt, whatever, to get what you want. You were given the talents to work a man. Use 'em. ------------------------------------- Q: Irma, why doesn't Southwest serve candy bars on flights instead of peanuts? Joey Louisville, KY Irma: Joey, yer addicted; get help! If ya had kids, ya wouldn't ask such a question. Ever see a seven year old after an hour of candy bars? You'd have wired hooligans, high on a sugar buzz, tearing the plane apart. My bigger concern is chocoholics like you that try to stuff 6-8 candy bars in their face and make a mess of the seats. Get a grip; candy bars ain't gonna happen. --------------------------------- Q: Irma, I've been a loyal, long-term, hard-working flight attendant at Southwest; how can I get a bigger raise in pay? Jimmy Houston, TX Irma: Ya got one the most important jobs in the company; what's wrong with those people? Gimme yer employee number and I'll have a word with Herb. He owes me, so you should see a nice increase on yer next paycheck. Lord have mercy on your soul if I find out yer a lyin' dog and ain't as good as ya told me. ----------------------------------- Q: Irma, so many times when I am flying, I need to get to the lavatory quickly, but there is such a long line. Do you have a technique that will help me get there faster? Bertha Idabelle, OK Irma: Sounds like poor planning to me. How about hittin' it before your flight, Bertha? Think a little bit; there's a hundred-some people and only two toilets. But if ya spent too much time at the bar and got heavy kidneys, here's one of my favorites. Take the barf bag from the seatback and walk right to the front of the line. Stand next to the person in front a start coughing and gagging into the bag. When the dummy holding up the line walks out of the lavatory, turn to the person and say, "Would you empty this bag when you go in? Sorry, maybe you should let me-because of my rare disease." You're in, just like that! Send your questions to: AskIrma@FiveStarPublications.com or mail them to: Ask Irma c/o Five Star Publications, Inc. P.O. Box 6698 Chandler, AZ 85246-6698 or fax: 480-940-8787 ISBN 978-1-58985-006-4 $ 9.95 Published by Five Star Publications, Inc. Published 2003 Paperback 5 1/2 x 8 1/2 © 1996-2011 Five Star Publications, Inc.. No portion of this website may be reprinted without express written consent of Five Star Publications, Inc. |
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